Do the CockWalkRock Life with Whitestarr

Do the CockWalkRock Life with Whitestarr by Roxanne McDonald

I’d like to go to great, stretched-out lengths to avoid turning this piece into a long, stretched-out dissertation on Cisco Adler’s unmentionables, but not sure how long I can hold out.

The idea WAS to add Cisco and the other Whitestarr band members to the Rock Relationships archive. The plan was to casually look at the dynamics of the band as it aspires to become famous—the interpersonal pressures, the grating gripes, the subsequent physical fights that foreshadow a flash-in-the-pan sort of fame.

Let’s see if I can get something salvageable now that I have partaken of two episodes of “The Rock Life” and a quick curiosity-sating peek at some pics that are all over the net.

Okay, so, Whitestarr members, Cisco, Orbi, Rainbow, Damone, and Dancing Potato Tony have been together for years. [Orbi says something about having been in this band for eight years, so I’m going on that for starters—despite how sites like StarPulse.com cite the band-formation date as 2000.]

Their relationship as a collective is oddly defined. In one sense, there is a camaraderie and syncopation that is fascinating to witness, while in another sense the levels of interaction go way beyond the male banter dynamic and into “Shut the fuck up” and the pointing out of others’ flaws disrespect phenom.

I think it was Cisco who, as the bandmates were bringin in their shit to live with him while they work on making their next album, said that it was like they started out a group of dogs and ended up like a pack of wild wolves….

He leads the jam in front of manager Carl Stubner, for example, and does this odd stop/cut/stop/cut thing before they can even get one song off the floor. Then, he sings, “Now I’m drivin down the road/You just fucked up right there….” No, those aren’t all lyrics. The latter half is Cisco admonishing Rainbow mid-song.

Okay, so they don’t have a Butch Cassidy and Sundance Kid thing.

Let’s look at what we got to see of the boyfriend/girlfriend relationships [what didn’t get edited the way the censorship of Cisco’s stripping bare on stage and showing his…whup. Almost lost it, there. Anyway.]

Okay, Rainbow. Rainbow’s a freak. Not all that alluring…, until he gets on stage and that shirtless stance reveals some deeelicious Apollo’s belt. Wha? Oh, sorry. So Rainbow’s interview bits, the stuff he tells us, are/is riddled with innuendo: the gig might just be the one to get them the house, the car, the girls. His performance on stage as he does a solo Cisco’s ego can’t stand letting go on too long, has him thinking the girls in the mosh pit wanna “bone” him.

But what he says to his clearly concerned girlfriend, Danielle, is way less loaded. First he is confronted about groupies, and he skillfully circumnavigates that; then, within what seems like an hour or so having passed, she is backstage and pulling him away Yoko Ono style; and finally, after he has obviously told her he is off to live with the band while they work on creating a hit, she expresses jealousy over how he will be partying the whole time and the girls will be all over him.

He very nervously but assuredly [if you get what I mean] tells her this is his job, and he doesn’t go to her place of work wanting to hang out with her boss and co-workers and all that. She doesn’t appear all that placated. Maybe because she doesn’t appear to be all that much of an idiot.

[Hold on. Hold on. We will speak of idiots in a minute.]

Next thing we see—after watching Damone get all territorial about some guy in “his” room and see him just full-body-slam the closed and locked door off its hinges—is the band working: five licks on a guitar, a couple of drumbeats, and the girls show up, the beers come out, and the music stops. Yeah, Rainbow, so many of us have that same kind of job. Just lay off after a half-hour and get sloshed.

Okay. Then the extended family of band also involves [or doesn’t] Cisco’s history and present-time relationships.

He was engaged to Paris Hilton’s bestest friend, Kim Stewart.
He had a thing with Paris, which is where we get the long, stretched-out balls. Okay! I said it!
And he now [or in reality TV time now] sees Mischa Barton.

He is flying to Mischa to celebrate her twenty-first birthday; gets a call none of us wants to get, that his beloved baby girl doggie Bean has died; gets understandably maudlin while with Mischa; Mischa takes it as a bf/gf issue and starts ragging on him; and he flies away and back to his boys.

Hell, at first I was thinking that if all this antagonistic, megalomaniacal crap is any indication of the longevity of Whitestarr [as opposed to how Aerosmith mates must have had much more respect and therefore are still together kind of thinking I am thinking], then they may as well consider their greatest bragging rights will come with the airing of “The Rock Life” and end there.

But, then, I conceded, if they have made it this far, have such a decent following, and can pay for the nosebleeds and broken doors, all the power to them and their psychotic [without being all that buzz-worthy] ways of interacting.

Now buzzworthy are those balls…. But I promised, so.

The Rock Life is on Vh1 on Monday nights. For now, anyway.

No Comments »

No comments yet.

Leave a comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.