No-Threat Bret

No-Threat Bret Rocks the Narration by Roxanne McDonald

We already knew he was hot; we already knew he was talented; we already knew he was articulate. Now we know Bret Michaels is hil-ar-ee-ous.

Since I did a sort-of recap—or ragging and ripping on most of the “Rock of Love” competitors for Bret’s heart and soul on TV Robot—I thought I would review his commentaries… which I found delightfully funny and fun most of the time and when not funny sensitive and lovely and respectful.

In his introductory comments, Bret explains his motivation on the show, his intentions to merge finding those he can be friends with and those he typically just has sex with…to, hence, make the “Rock of Love.”

Also in his explanation of what kind of woman he needs, he says she will need to be hot, cool, sexy, and be able to deal with the insanity that is, after all, he acknowledges, Rock and Roll—his one insatiable hot bitch godess.”

I love that combination of words/adjectives. Heh.

Okay. So he’s meeting the girls in a line Big John has made them queue up in (thank God, for order), and when Tiffany Two-fisted gets her turn and he asks her name, again, she reminds him by tonguing him.

He tells us in the confession room that one part of him wants to make love to her…, while the other part…believes she is so on chemicals.

As he does the photo shoot with each of the women, he has some great comments, especially the one about how a lot of “emotions” were going thru his member…. Then, ohhh. Then, oh, yeahh. Then, ohhh, yeahhhhh.

One he loves for her most clean-shaven long legs going all the way up to the ass beautiful; another he kinda eh, looks at as really sexy, nothin but sex. Then he explains that after the photo shoot is the important part—the one-on-ones (well, groups, gaggles, PILES of women on him), to get the chance to go beyond just the physical, beyond what he thinks he might see in their eyes.

One rocker girl hopeful is all tweaky and dense and he relays his thinking to us: Okay. But…, Do. you. un. der. stand what I’m say. ing? LOLOLOLOL. He got worried as she spoke, he says, but then he looked at that body and said that okay, they would find a way to “communicate”.

He tells us how that much communicating—with 21 women—is a lot of work, then we get to hear him (when he has the chance, without being interrupted) discuss how he doesn’t want the ones he hangs with [on way to, at, and after concerts] to be the ones he is with for eternity….

There’s also something about Sam he totally digs, and yes, I can see that working: they look like they go together, though I also like Rodeo a lot and maybe, MAYbe one or two others…Jes or maybe even Faith (if she doesn’t get chomped alive).

Brandi C. is “heaven and hell in one body,” and also is the one he finds boring but worthy of that 15th backstage pass.

Jessica is ditzy [in my opinion, not his words], and he feels the distance…like she was kind of in the room but not really. I found this observation funny, thinking he meant the kind of “lights on but nobody home” thing, but maybe he is kinder than that and meant just not as present and there for him as she could have been—the same way a couple of the others who so do not get passes are all pickin at their navels in the billiard room or something.

And then, then…, sigh, there’s Tiffany Two-fisted. Or Skunk Fringe. Or, well, I will leave the latter possibilities up to you. Tiffany is drunk, out-doing pole stripping, out-talking chatters, and interrupting, no…, invading Bret’s time with other women. At one point, she just zooms in, flops sloppily on his lap, and proceeds to grind. Grind! Like, like, Demi Moore in Striptease. Like Bootz or whoever on the lap of one of Flava Flav’s pool guests. Like, well, I’ll let Bret tell you it was like kind of turning him on…, but yet he had the feeling she might try to kill him.

Yeehhaawhaahha.

Great, great show with a great, great rocker.

As much as those 21 women couldn’t get enough of Bret, I couldn’t get enough of his editorializing.

But, Gawd, I hope you watched the first episode, as I am sure I didn’t do nearly enough justice to his expressions and articulations.

Sighhhhhh.

SirLinksAlot Rock of Love links

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