Look What the Vh1 Cats Dragged In: The Women of Rock of Love

Look What the Vh1 Cats Dragged In: The Women of Rock of Love by Roxanne McDonald

Interviews, audition videos, and bios and bio pics reveal the hearts, minds, and spirits of the women hoping to rock Bret Michaels with love.

Some of us are still looking into how (according to Vh1 “Rock of Love” pages) Bret came to “hand pick” the twenty babes in contention for the title of Rock God Girlfriend, as we never got the memo to audition, so as I survey the 20 “Rock of Love” candidates, I will likely tend toward a tincture of sarcasm…on behalf of all the darling women who truly wish they could have been invited to try for wooing the foxy Poison frontman:

Bonnie – hails from both New Jersey and Florida (neither of which is a hometown, neither of which is a town, btw). Last relationship ended on New Year’s Eve (but which year?) and it likely ended less than violently, as Bonnie hates conflict. Looking like a wise Chyna Doll, she appears to not have a problem laying out anyone who would dare cross her. Her fear of spiders is overshadowed by her favorite piece of clothing—her Lynyrd Skynyrd panties. Ummm, wouldn’t that be considered a conflict of interest at best, an anticlimactic disappointment for Bret at worst?

Brandi C. [Uh, oh. That means we have more than one Brandi with an ‘i’] Oh, dear, this massage [which is spelled wrong on the site] therapy student who calls Orlando, Florida her hometown appears way too blonde and way too spoiled: okay, the toxic blonde shade was for her Marilyn Monroe work for Universal Studios and likely in hopes, as she tells Vh1, of being featured in Playboy. But her boobs were a gift from Mommy and Daddy. That’s just wrong.

Brandi M. [Yep] from Buffalo, New York might be just as challenging a potential mate, not so much for being a brat but for having her eye on more than one pie. This contender (and bear with me as I make a very hasty generalization) has six tattoos, can put her whole fist in her mouth, and stays single because there is too much “temptation”. Bret is going to have his work cut out for him with this one, who despite being one of the most natural-looking and prettiest of the group, seems likely to be one to Play Dirty, baby.

Cindy, the personal trainer from Newman, Georgia, looks pretty real, too. And she even wears cowboy hats (and sometimes in bed). Plus, she has a seven-year-old, so the parental instinct will be something she and Bret can align on. Though I am not sure how her collecting swords will have much to do with anything—maybe props for Bret’s music videos?

Dallas hails from, appropriately, Texas. She has kind of Barbie Doll features, and this probably bodes well when she is out on calls to sell her fashion designs. On the dark side of Barbie, however, is her love for her idol, Marylin Manson. We might never have guessed.

Erin from Bloomington, Illinois is also somewhat attractive—in a half-wholesome half-Hollywood way. She comes with an eclectic past: she was Miss Hooters (oh, boy) of Illinois, 2002; she was once engaged (don’t know if there’s a cause and effect thing there); and her dad is police chief in a small town in the state. By the way, though, Miss Hooters also graduated with honors in 3 ½ years instead of four. She could be the one Bret takes to the backseat of the old man’s Ford, but she could also sustain a conversation on something beyond dirty talk.

Faith from Beckley, West Virginia might also give Bret a run for his money…or mind. She has a chemistry degree from Ohio State, can play piano, and is really pretty. Not only does this self-described friendly and down-to-earth person have a similar look to Bret (in the eyes), but she has similar talents and sentiments I bet Bret will find simpatico with his.

Heather, hailing from Columbus, Ohio, looks familiar. Can you say Jackie Collins? This former Scores, Las Vegas dancer who describes herself as a tomboy has been more like Joan Collins, though: she notes how she has “been in several catfights” in the past, because [she thinks] women are always jealous of her. Maybe old Heather was tossed in here for good TV?

Jes, the licensed cosmetologist from Naperville, Illinois, also looks familiar—but more like a Cyndi Lauper meets Melanie Griffith. I’m not sure pink of the Punk days makes for a Poisonesque appearance, but Jes has gifts that might just jive: she has never been unfaithful to a boyfriend, is self-defined as very independent, and touts 9 piercings and 4 tats. A firebrand who might keep it interesting for Bret.

Jessica from Elk Grove, Illinois is another Hooters veteran. Sigh. I’m already bored. A waitress at Hooters, a college senior, and an adventurous (seemingly) gal who once stripped for one whole month, Jessica should not be underestimated, however. She has a vengeful side and a sample to prove it: she once caught a boyfriend cheating, so she cheated on him…with his friend. Oh, man, the codes of the street shattered, Bret just might be singing a Blame it on You tune with this one.

Kelly from Chicago also looks familiar…but in parts. That is, I see her eyes, then her teeth, then that place between nose and mouth when she smiles, and I think I have seen her a million times before. This might be something Bret will feel, too, and will want to get closer to this woman whose last relationship was long distance and therefore making her amenable to his having to be away often—or the attraction may be in the fact she is a runway and print model. Oh, okay, I have likely seen her on Teen Magazine covers, or something. Well, she is young, is okay looking, and what is the capper for this one is her favorite singer is not Marylin Manson or Lynyrd Skynyrd…. It’s Bret Michaels! Girl, you know you get points for that.

Kimberly, hailing from North Arlington, New Jersey, looks like a beautiful Rocker Girl fit for Bret. Plus, she owns six businesses—and while I don’t know if that makes her a Pisces like Bret, but the Pisces personality, multi-talented, multitasking, will certainly respect and appreciate this woman who is also as she describes kind-hearted and sensitive. Provided she is not just sensitive toward herself, she might just be a top contender throughout the show.

Krista, not to be confused but will be confused with Kristia, is from Bountiful, Utah. She was once married for ten months and “could not survive if she couldn’t shop.” So what she has a tattoo of a musical note on her lower back? She looks way too plastic for Bret. Way.

Kristia, I’m sorry, looks too much like Peaches from “Flavor of Love” and “Charm School,” so I am going to have a hard time seeing her with Bret. And if that’s too shallow and subjective a suggestion, consider that this young and shiny woman from somewhere in Wisconsin is a NON-exotic Go Go dancer, has eight piercings, and, so, no big deal…BUT once beat up a boyfriend who cheated on her. I wonder if there was not also spit involved.

Lacey is from Dallas, Texas, where she is a lead singer and writer for a rock band. Uhohhhhh. Here’s the token star-tripper wanna-be-on-TV to further-the-career type. And even if she’s not (smart enough) there to use “Rock of Love” to showcase, she is a Type-A personality to boot, so do we see her and Bret as the best match? I may be way off, but I can’t recall two lead singers in different bands hooking up successfully. Instead, I get a daunting sense of Yoko Ono doom kind of feeling.

(And no, you do not have to email or post that John was not the lead singer—nor was Yoko—of the Beatles. It was the best, albeit weakest, analogy I could come up with at the moment.) Anyway, Lacey is also attractive, an animal lover, and an animal rights activist, so we can’t fault her completely.

Lauren does not boast any musical connections, affinities, or inclinations. Instead, this sweet-looking girl from Zionsville, Indiana is an event sales manager (okay, that’s relevant to the biz, but…), says she is a klutz, and reports she was in a long-term relationship…a long-distance one, at that.
If her ability to hang in such a dynamic is not enough to convince our Poison prince, maybe the fact that she took sex education instruction at the Kinsey Institute will have Bret tipping his hat.

Magdalena is from Poland. Though she looks like a spokesmodel or a game show host, this six-foot-three beauty is a marketing rep who once joined the navy in order to travel. She says she is intimidated by geeks, but from her few stats and her looks, I doubt she is intimidated by too much else. Hopefully Magdalena is not just show adornment.

Meredith, from Eugene, Oregon, is one of the hardest to get a take on (or at this point to make shit up about). She was a small town girl who needed out, was married but is divorced, and is currently a fitness and spa director. She looks middle-of-the-road and sparkly clean and healthy. Will have to see what she has to offer or share with Bret.

Mia is a hairstylist AND bartender (work fanatic?) from Naperville, Illinois. While she looks like one of the most cosmopolitan of the twenty, she grew up in the cornfields of a small town of only 900 people and boasts her skills at tractor-driving. Not sure what she has to bring to Bret but maybe the small-town appeal which will fit with his “boy next door” side…oh, and a double-jointed back. Heh heh.

Pam from Levittown, Pennsylvania shows signs of celebrity…or hopes for celebrity? Her picture at Vh1 has her hair all blowing and her pose as perfectly angled and all. I don’t know. Maybe we can piece together a composite (having yet to actually see her in action around Bet) with her bio—with how she has a Temple U degree in advertising/communications; how she claims to be “bad at settling down and [at]commitment; how she loves PDA as much as she is attracted to bad boys. So we can’t fault her for that last item, and the #1 Bad Boy will fit her desires…,but, hmmm. Let’s keep an eye on how much camera time she bogarts.

Raven from New Orleans makes me nervous, too. She contends that she can be stubborn, has a hard time listening (yikes, of all senses to not make best use of in this scenario?), and has never had a boyfriend. Is Raven another shill for the show? Okay, give her credit for honesty…and for how as she points out she tries to “act rationally in the face of conflict.”

Samantha from Scarsdale, New York looks more like Melanie Griffith than Jes does. In fact, she could easily be mistaken for Melanie as Edith E. in Cherry 2000. Course, she is way more intimidated by bitchy girls than Edith the cyborg tracker would be. But with her M.A., her tattoos too many to count, and her usual tendency of dating boys in bands, I would almost bet Samantha is going to be around for awhile.

Tamara also looks familiar, and I don’t know if that’s because she looks like Valerie Bertinelli or because she is from my neck of the woods, Woodland Hills, California, or because she, too, is a model. She doesn’t necessarily look the part, but she discloses how she is a sore loser who finds money very important. Woopsie. Better keep a third eye on her.

Tawny is also a model, from Orange County, California. But she is not just a model but a waitress SLASH model. (I wondered how she could get away with those eyes, which are a bit off for the perfect criteria list.) Anyways, she should bring some material to talk more about on the Bret Michaels boards, as she catches boyfriends who cheat by reading their emails, holds grudges (isn’t that what Bret is trying to avoid?), and yet, has a weakness for rock stars that will bode well in this milieu.

And Tiffany, oh, man, Tiffany…. A registered nurse from Chicago, Tiffany is majorly turned off by black hair; can bounce her boobs; and once caught husband and best friend cheating together on her, so she broke the friend’s nose. Tiffany is my vote for the one causing the most trouble this season. Kristia’s got nuthin on Tiffany…though Tiff could be more attractive were she to drop the way over Barrio blonde streaks framing her black—oops, sorry—dark hair.

”Rock of Love” premieres Sunday, July 15th.
SirLinksAlot Rock of Love links

3 Comments »

1. Jes is perfect.
   too bad she doesn’t realize it and relies on accesorizing her beauty.
   she could be so elegant and classy

   Comment by jennyjenny — July 15, 2007 @ 9:33 pm

   WordPress database error: [Can't open file: 'wp_users.MYI' (errno: 145)]
   SELECT * FROM wp_users WHERE ID = '2' LIMIT 1

2. i think that the drunk off her ass woman should have stayed out of the house ,don;t you just hate that when some drunk dumbass steps to your game any ways good luck bret….

   Comment by jennifer — July 15, 2007 @ 10:12 pm

   WordPress database error: [Can't open file: 'wp_users.MYI' (errno: 145)]
   SELECT * FROM wp_users WHERE ID = '2' LIMIT 1

3. my vote is for erin i think her british accent although it was not real was hot and looks wise i think jes is a hot punk version of cameron diaz

   Comment by bryan — July 22, 2007 @ 10:30 pm

   WordPress database error: [Can't open file: 'wp_users.MYI' (errno: 145)]
   SELECT * FROM wp_users WHERE ID = '2' LIMIT 1

Leave a comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.